Up & coming....

So, this week I get another round of chemo...number 6 to be exact.  The doctor will be running tests after the new year to ensure everything is running smoothly as planned.  I'm hoping that it is almost all gone.

My dear grandma (my dad's mother) has passed & has gone to meet our maker.  I'm hoping she'll put in a good word for me to stay on this Earth a little longer.  God only knows how much I want to see my mini me grow up & graduate from college & get married & have more mini mes.  That would be awesome!

I guess since I've had so much chemo, it takes me much longer to "bounce back."  This last time I was "down"for about 2-3 days, my taste buds came back after day 15 rather then day 10, I was more tired, more swollen especially my legs & feet, my feet & hands tingle & are purple in color.  I am still bald, the hair has chosen to not grow back in between chemos & I don't have any eyebrows.  I miss my hair & my eyebrows the most.  I could have my eyebrows tattooed on, but I don't want to go through the pain, it's not worth it.

My Christmas was great!  I am so blessed.  I am very thankful for my family & all the love & support they show me daily.  Well, I hope your Christmas was great & that your New Year is even better.  I'll blog again later.

What else is there???

Hi, and so sorry you all had to wait a long time for another entry to my blog. Things have been good...just trying to enjoy the season since I no longer have to work it.  :-)

My last chemo that I received on the 8th of December was actually at the Queens Canter Center & it was great!  I was actually treated like a "queen." There was a tv, a recliner chair, and they provided me with a lunch.  Again, it was great & the staff was great also.  I am never going back to receive chemo at the doctor's office.  No way jose!

So, because of my chemo, my blood counts were low.  I received 3 neupogen injections & a procrit injection, & then I developed a rash which turned out to be shingles!  So, now I'm on antibiotics...really, what else is there?

I know, it could be worse.  At least the shingles are on my back & not my head or face.  I am really trying to be positive here.

Black Friday

For the past 9 years, I have worked on what the retail world calls "Black Friday."  I don't remember much except for all the chaos & crowds.  I don't know about you, but the simple thought of looking for parking makes me want to stay in bed all day & eat Thanksgiving leftovers. But, there are a lot of people out there looking for bargains.  And they are crazy enough to wake up at 3 in the morning to get a decent parking at the mall by 4:30 am because the mall opens at 5am.  That's power shopping to me...anyway, I think I am done with my Christmas shopping with only my immediate family to shop for.  Can you believe that I did the majority of my Christmas shopping online?  It was easy, quick, & painless.  And now, whenever I go to the mall, I don't have to think about gifts.  I can go shopping for ME!!!  I love shopping, especially when it's for me.  I know, I'm terrible, but at least I'm honest.  Thank God I don't have to work today!

I miss Texas....

Okay, so I miss Texas...weird!  I think I miss the shuttle & the ease of going to the doctor, I miss the "queen" treatment, I miss the doctor & her team,  & I miss the ono filipino food on the weekends at Aunty Sylvia's.  I don't miss being hospitalized, I don't miss missing my husband, & I don't miss the crazy drivers.  

I just recently had a"lightbulb" moment concerning my treatment & made an attempt to email the patient advocate at Queen's Medical Center.  I got the response I wanted & they promised that they will forward my email to the doctor, as well as partner with her to make sure my concerns are addressed & resolved.  Their only concern for me is that they hope I don't get treated differently by the doctor or her staff.  Gee, if that happens, the doc doesn't know who she's messing with & will be sorry.  My next appointment to see the doctor is on the 30th...I will let all of you know what happens, if anything.

My last treatment was on the 16th & usually for 10 days after that my taste buds disappear & I don't have much of an appetite.  I do eat though, but small portions & sometimes I skip a meal here & there.  It's hard to chew something that tastes like cardboard.  Also, my muscles ache, especially the ones in my legs, & my feet hurt.  My feet & hands are discolored, they're dry & sometimes they peel.  That's where "ped-egg" comes to the rescue.  If you haven't tried ped-egg yet, what are you waiting for, the thing works!  Anyway, I use cetaphil, bath & body sleep, or aloe vera lotion every night with socks to ease the dryness.

Anyway, my next treatment is on the 8th, & I've requested it to be at the Queen's Cancer Center rather than in her small, stuffy office.  Fingers crossed for a bigger, more private room & trained oncology nurses that don't make me bruise when drawing blood from my port.  Until then, thank you all for your kind words, prayers, & support. 

Home Sweet Home...

We are finally home!!!  We arrived to Honolulu on November 6 at about 10 pm.  We had a long flight with 2 layovers in between & I think altogether we spent an entire 15 hours traveling...but it didn’t really matter, as long as we were coming home.  I’d like to thank all of you for your continued support, prayers, & goodies we received while we were on our journey in Texas.

The doctors in Texas are wonderful & extraordinary!  I definitely will miss the “queen” treatment I received while there.  Until you go, you will never know just how many people around the world that are affected by this disease.  It is shocking, but somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone.  And thanks to Kanoe’s outgoing personality, we have met many people that have touched our lives.

Anyway, I receive my first chemo treatment in Hawaii on November 16 at my doctor’s office.  I am praying that everything goes as smoothly as it did in Texas.  My doctor is smart though, so I’m sure there is nothing to worry about.

Ten things that I learned from my trip:  1) just when you think your situation is bad, God introduces you to someone who’s situation is worse, 2) just when you think you can’t take it any more, God picks you up & moves you forward, 3) there IS power in prayer, 4) patience, 5) I AM a lot like my mother, 6) my daughter IS extremely creative, smart, & talented, 7) my husband DOES love me, 8) there is more to life than just work, 9) despite the baldness, I am still beautiful, & lastly...10) there are so many wonderful people in this world.

So, yes...we are finally home & I am finally “back!”  I feel really good, strong, confident, & full of life.  This cancer doesn’t know who he’s messing with, but I guarantee he will regret messing with me!  Thank you all again for your prayers & support. 

CT Scans are not fun!!!

I most recently had a CT scan last Wednesday & it really sucked! First of all, the person who developed that "barium" should check theirself. Anything you do to that milky concoction is NOT gonna make it taste any better, in fact, I think the berry smoothie flavored barium still tastes pretty bad. What's worse, is that I had no idea there was such a thing as a "rectal" barium...yes, it is what you think...they put barium up there too. As if drinking three cups of that stuff isn't enough, they find a way to put it up there.

Okay, bitching aside, my test results came back with positive results. According to the doctor, there is no new growth. Which means that the chemo treatment is keeping the cancer at bay - YAY!!! And then, we were given the news we have been waiting so long to hear, the green light to go home - YAY!!! So, goodbye Texas....it was definitely a journey & well worth it, but get me the heck outta here & back to paradise where I belong.

So, yes...I'm going home! After a long two months. I'm going to continue my chemo treatments in Hawaii though, & I'll have another check up in another nine weeks. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers & support. You cannot imagine how much it's meant to me to know how many of you are praying for me & my family. The power of prayer - you just gotta believe.

Halfway to losing my mind...

I'm done with chemo #2 & am on my way actually to getting chemo #3. I guess I was so drugged out during chemo #1 that I don't remember any of the side effects. So, this time around, I really felt the side effects. It included nausea, itchiness, dizziness, the soles of my feet hurt, & loss of appetite. It lasted about 10 days! Can you imagine feeling sick for 10 days?
It wasn't fun at all, but as soon as it passed I was able to eat. Thank God!

Anyway, we've been here about a month & a half so far...& I am really looking forward to this week. Let's see, on Wednesday I have a bone scan, CT scan, & ultrasound scheduled with the results read the next day. This will determine when we'll be able to go home. I'm excited...cause I miss home, I miss my husband, I miss my own bed, I miss everything there is to miss about Hawaii. It's lonely & boring here in Texas especially when you rely on the hotel shuttle to take you places & the most exciting place it can take you is to Super Target. Thank God for weekends & thank God for my Aunty Sylvia & Uncle Greg. We spend our weekends at their house in Katy. Aunty takes us to the mall, to the grocery store, anywhere we want to go...& we're not confined to our hotel room.

H1N1 is a huge deal here & the hospital I go to just announced that they are not allowing children under the age of 12 on the premises. Which means that Kanoe can no longer come with me when I have doctor's appointments. I hope that this flu thing passes quickly. I just want to be able to go home & let Kanoe get her flu shots from her regular doctor. Here in Texas, we don't have a pediatrician & we have no way of getting around & I'm not familiar with what's nearby, so it would be hard for me to get a doctor for Kanoe. Anyone have any suggestions?

No More Fog...

It's been awhile, but boy am I glad that I'm finally out of the fog! By fog I mean, there are some parts of this trip that I don't remember because I was so doped up on morphine. I was hospitalized from the 8th thru the 16th. During that time, they discovered a bloodclot in my arm, got my pain under control, & even gave me my first round of chemo. I am so glad to be out of the hospital, the food was the worst. I did lose a lot of weight while in there, but I've been eating well, so I'm sure I gained some of it back. So, now I take methadone & neurontin for my pain & my mom gives me shots for the bloodclot. I am going to rehab also for the lymphedema, but my poor arm is so swollen & I really can't move it, plus we have to consider the bloodclot when exercising the arm - nothing too strenuous.

My next round of chemo is on the 1st. We're hoping that after this round, the doctor will be able to reassess me & tell us that the chemo is killing the cancer. when that happens, then we can coordinate with the Hawaii doctors so we can come home & I can receive treatment there. I miss home, I miss my husband, I miss Hawaii.

Houston can you hear me?

We made it to Houston! Praise the Lord! Got to see the doctor today & had to do some tests - a bone scan, those are not too bad, but trying to keep still for 20 minutes. The doctor was very optimistic but also very blunt, which is completely fine with me. I mean ain't I the queen of bluntness? Anyway tomorrow is more tests - a CT scan & an ultrasound, I should be done by 12:30. I don't know, there's something about this place that I like. And it's not the guys!


Anyway, so I didn't get to finish the last blog cause I was just so irked from traveling. Today is no different. Woke up so darn early again so that we could catch a ride from my mom's friend to the hospital. Had some breakfast and then realized that I needed to no t eat anything for the test that they were administering to me that morning. I had a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT scan & later I had an ultrasound on the one I had removed.

Today I was a bit emotional, partly due to the pain in my arm. Gee, I'm hoping that someone on either end will find me a doctor that will prescribe me a sleeve. I don't know how much more I can take this pain, swelling, or the inability to do this blog thing with one normal hand & one "swollen" one.

Anyway, time for bed. I have a new mini net book, so mini that it's taking me so long to write this stupid sentence!

Doctor's appointments - Boy am I sick of them!!!

Okay, so since Tuesday, I've been to a doctor's office at least once a day...& that's not it...I get to see my oncologist tomorrow, then the eye doctor & physical therapist on Tuesday, then the liver doctor & physical therapist on Wednesday.  Thursday & Friday are free for now, but we'll see if the docs decide that I need to see them again.

The new physical therapist is wonderful!  I've only seen her twice & already I'm noticing a difference in my arm.  She's also very informative as well & I've learned quite a bit in the last two visits.  I'm hoping to have a better range of motion before we go to Texas so that I won't seem so "handicapped."

My echo cardiogram came back with good news...my heart is in good shape!  Yay!  Thank You God!  But, it seems like the tumor in my armpit is pressing up against a vein in my arm & that is what is causing all this swelling.  So, we're being careful because we don't know if there is a blood clot involved, so when I exercise that arm, I have to do it lightly & not aggressively.  I find out tomorrow if they are going to put me on a low dose of coumadine - it's a blood thinner that will prevent my blood from clotting so that we don't have to worry about any blood clots forming in the arm.  It sucks!  I remember that my grandma was on that same medication.  Um hello?  When did I become my grandma?!!?  Okay, Grandma & Grandpa Cortez listen up... if you have any say or control on what happens to me down here on Earth, then I suggest you speak up & help me out here.  No more pressing on the vein, no more tumor in the armpit, full circulation returned to my arm, full range of motion returned to my arm, no more pain at all, no more cancer cells in my body!  And tell God that although I love being thin, this is not how I imagined it at all.  I pray that I am healthy thin, not sickly thin.  I guess you really have to be careful what you ask for in prayer & be very specific as well.

Anyway, I'll blog again sometime tomorrow with the results from my doctor's visits.  By the way, the Texas thing is coming along slowly.  I did speak with someone from the hospital, all my records are being faxed & copied, & all my scans are being put on a disc.  Hope it all falls into place soon, but only God knows the outcome of it.  I place it into Your hands Father & I stand upon Your word of healing.

Update!!!

Yesterday was the worst yet!  I spent almost an entire work day at the doctor's office - 9:30 to 4pm because I had been complaining of shortness of breath as well as not being able to eat anything.  I have no appetite, but I will eat if something is put in front of me.  For some reason, I had been having the feeling of fullness & was burping a lot.  They scheduled me for a CT scan to see if I had a blood clot in my lungs.  In order to do so, the tech needs to put an IV in so that they can put a contrast in your blood.  Little did I know that it would literally take them 3 times before I called it quits.  Not only was it painful, but they couldn't find the vein & when they found one, it wouldn't flush.  So, they sent me over to nuclear medicine for another type of scan.  It required an IV, but not as large & they were going to use my vein on my hand (which is the vein that everyone uses).  This time it took them 2 times to get the IV in & the first one hurt like a mother.  In fact it hurt so much, I think I heard him say that he "blew" the vein.  That's just great! Now, imagine, I had been at the doctor's office since 9:30 in the morning with only a granola bar in my stomach.  They are lucky that I wasn't starving, but I bet that's one of the reasons why my veins sucked that day.  I was dehydrated!  Hello!  Can anyone get me a drink? Anyway, the result from the test was negative - no blood clot!

So, I'm back at the hospital again today to do 2 things - a ultrasound on my arm & an echocardiogram.  They gave me some kind of results from the ultrasound, but I want to hear it from the doctor.  I think the tumor is pressing up on a vein.  I don't know what they do when that happens, but I'm sure I'll find out when I go to my follow up appointment.  I will publish the results then.

I just want to end with this.... Thank you God for my family!  Do you know that my grandma & grandpa live in town & they drove to Wahiawa to get me, take me to Queen's, & then take me back home.... and they will be back at 8:45 in the morning to do it all over again?!?  That's love. Thank you God for my family.  Don't worry, the rest of my family does amazing things for me as well.... it'll take too long to list them all.

A list of things that I am thankful for...

So, the other day I was at church listening to the pastor talk about "grace."  "Grace" is unmerited favor or something that you don't earn.  It is thru God's grace that we are forgiven, it is thru God's grace that we receive blessings.  I have learned that when you pray, you shouldn't pray about the things that are missing from your life, but rather, you should be thanking the Lord for what you have already received.  It is only thru being thankful in receiving that we can truly be given what we ask for in prayer.  So today of all days, I am going to list all the things I am thankful for to remind me how great & blessed my life really is.  And it's for you readers as well to remind me when I call you in despair.

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

my relationship with God

my healing

my life

my husband

my daughter

my health

my parents

my stepparents

my brothers & sisters

my aunties & uncles

my cousins

my inlaws

my car

my home

my bed

the furniture in my house

my friends

money

food, especially desserts :)

lavender body wash

hot bath water

big tubs

bubble baths

the feel of new carpet between your toes

the beach

the sun, the sand

shave ice

manis & pedis

my breath

sleep

pain meds

coffee & bagels w/cream cheese

hot, fresh malasadas

air conditioners

shopping

my cell phone

the internet

computers

reality tv

my doctors

hair

sunday services

gospel music

ipods

Thanks to all you PACSUNers out there!

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I will truly miss working at PacSun.  I can honestly say that I have come a long way & I'm very proud of those that I have brought up along with me.  Good luck to all of you who remain on the team, I'm just sorry that I didn't get the chance to get to know all of you.  Thank you for all the support, all the talks, all the times when I needed to vent.  I will miss the meetings by the pool, the conference calls, the ops team conversations, picking up the outer island managers from the airport, the music, the dancing on top of the ladder, the team....I won't miss the floorsets, working on Black Friday, endless shipment, inventory.  Again, please feel free to keep in touch with me.  My email is hawngrl@hotmail.com.  Remember, work will always be there....make sure you make time to take care of yourself & spend it with the ones you love.

Zometa Sucks & other Updates...

So, my first round of Zometa really sucked!  The IV went in fine & surprisingly it didn't take that long for the meds to go into me, but it was the side effects that I was totally unprepared for.  The next day I couldn't even get out of bed.  I was dizzy, my entire body ached (as if someone meat tenderized me), & I was extremely tired.  I remember drifting in & out of consciousness.  I felt like a zombie!  I couldn't really eat, I didn't really have an appetite, & food didn't taste as good. Side effects were very similar to receiving chemo, except I think they were worse.  The good thing that came out of all of this is that I managed to get a lot of sleep.  Last night I went to bed at about 9:30pm & didn't get up to take a pain pill until almost 6 in the morning.  Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!

The doc put me on new pain meds, a patch, which I ended up removing after the first night because I couldn't breathe.  I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I was hyperventilating, my heart was racing, & while taking a shower, I literally felt like I was drowning when I put my head under the water.  The next thing I know is I'm watching tv & a commercial comes on that says "if you know of someone who has died using the pain patch Fentanyl, they may be eligible to receive money from a lawsuit concerning the patch."  Okay, now that's alarming!  It's a good thing I called my doc when I did & it's also a good thing that she told me to remove it.   When there's a lawsuit going on that involves a specific medication, I think that all pharmacies should remove it & make it unavailable to the public until the lawsuit is resolved.  It's just wrong that I had to spend money to get meds that I can't even use!

Texas is where I think we're going...at least that's where the doc said we will be best served.  The center is called MD Anderson & according to their website, they are doing a lot of clinical trials on Triple Negative Cancer & getting positive results.  I'm not exactly thrilled about traveling that far away from home.  But I think we've made a decision to take Kanoe with us & let Deo remain on the home front to continue to work, make sure we have medical insurance, & pay the bills.  It's a lot to think about.  But I don't want Deo to lose his mind being a "single" father, especially because both my mom & I will not be around to help him.  Oh, & can I just talk about insecurities...I know I'll have them, but hopefully treatment will fly by & I'll be able to return to my husband quickly.  Just to let you know, sex is not an issue, meaning that we just don't have it anymore.  I know he loves me.  I know he's not getting it from anyone else.  I know that he's scared to touch me.  But sometimes, I wish he would just get over it & be intimate.  I just don't know how to make him see it my way.  Oh God, I really do need help! 

I'm fed up! Help me Lord!

I know that we all have our own ways of dealing with the obvious (me having cancer), but somehow, I don't believe that everyone sees it in the same light that I do.  I know that they will never understand it because they're not in the same situation as me, but I just wish some people really considered other people's feelings for a change.  

Okay, just to forewarn you, I am about to sound really selfish.  My husband is such a sweetheart, but at times I think he chooses to do things because he's afraid of what his friends might think.  I know, it sounds really high school, but it's the truth. I want him to spend time with me, find things that we enjoy doing together.  I know that it is also my job to find commonalities, but whenever I make suggestions, it doesn't sound much like he's interested.   And sometimes I find myself alone at home.  It's hard, I know he's dealing with a lot & I don't want to make nothing into an issue...but I guess I'm just scared that if I don't spend enough time with him, then I never will.  I guess you could say that I am preparing for the worst (I can hear all of you now wincing at my negativism).  It's there & no matter how hard I try to make it go away, it is a part of me, not a big part, but it does peak its ugly head out every so often.  

And can I just complain about his friends....they know nothing!  They cannot even fathom the severity of our situation!  And most times when they invite him out to do something, do they even think to think about me?  Do they even think that coming home at 10pm or midnight is an appropriate time to come home when you have a wife who is ill & a 3 year old very rambunctious little girl who can, at times, drive her mother absolutely crazy?  All they can do is take him "away" from the situation, but what happens when he comes home & is faced with the reality?  Don't get me wrong, I believe in "getting away," but that doesn't mean that it will get better.  I would rather his friends help him find ways to deal with the problems & help him find solutions.  Instead, they sugarcoat it with lots of neosporin & put a really pretty band aid on it & then leave it to me to rip it off.

I know, I sound bitter & I definitely don't sound like myself.  But this is what I've been feeling lately & I don't want to hide from my feelings anymore.  I want to face them head on so that I can beat them out of the way & move on to the next opportunity.  Don't get me wrong - I love my husband dearly & he has done a lot for me, more than I can have ever imagined.  So, I guess I should make a list of things my husband does for me without question & focus on the positives rather than the negatives because that will get me nowhere.  Thank you all for listening.  And just to let you know, as I'm writing my next blog entry, I am feeling bad about what I just wrote.  Forgive me for being selfish & jealous.  Please God make me more like You!

There's a new "kid" in town...

We finally saw the new oncologist today!  It's been so long that I've seen a doctor, that I feel like I'm in "cancer limbo."  Let me tell you, "limbo" is not a fun place to be especially when it's something as life threatening as cancer.  Thank goodness that break is over & we are moving full steam ahead!  

Anyway, during my first visit the doc reviewed the PET scan, the CT scan, my options, & my pain.  We got a lot of our questions answered & it looks like tomorrow I start my first dose of Zometa.  Zometa will help with the metastasis to the bone. It's given to me by IV & I think it takes about 1 hour for all the meds to filter thru.  Side effects include flu like body aches, possible fever, dizziness, & drowsiness.  And it's given every 4 weeks.  Thank God it's not like chemo - I don't know if my veins could handle a poke every other week.  I'm also scheduled for a echocardiogram to check my heart & an appointment to see my liver doc to make sure that my liver is functioning properly - we want to make sure that I don't have another flare up with hepatitis b.

It does look like I will be traveling to the mainland to seek out new treatment, possibly clinical trials that are not offered in Hawaii.  It's going to suck being away from the ones that I love, especially my husband & daughter, but at least I know that when I come back, I'm coming back as a survivor.  I tried to explain this to my daughter & all I got was a sad face.  I know she understands me, but I also know that she doesn't understand the "depth" of my sickness.  I only want the best for her & I wish I could protect her from all of this.  I mean when she's older, I don't want her to look back & remember doctor appointments, chemo treatments, mommy feeling sick from the chemo, etc.  I want her memories to be of starting school, making new friends, learning the alphabet, counting to 20, etc.  Anyway, I am still unsure about this decision - do I take her with me or do I leave her here?  Anyone out there got any suggestions? I'm open to listening.

Oh, & before I forget...all of this took place on my husband's birthday.  Happy Birthday honey - I'm sorry you had to spend it in a doctor's office.  Ain't he the best?!

Stepping into the light...

Since I began my journey with the Lord, I have experienced many situations that my old self would say is a "coincidence." Now, that I have stepped out into the light, I realize not only that there is a supernatural world, but that a lot of situations are not just coincidental, but it's the hand of God at work in my life. I feel very blessed that God chose me to help bring people together. I am glad that He has given me a very important part in His plan. I am glad that it's never too late to come "home."

Encounter Part 2

Here it is...my second encounter with the Lord. Again, He took me in His arms & held me. I asked Him, "if I am healed, then why is it still painful?" & He told me to be patient because it is in His time & that His time is completely different from my time. He also told me to keep believing & that He has alot of work for me to do. That day, as He patiently waited, I gave up my fears, my doubt, my anger, my life, my marriage, my daughter to Him. I asked Him for continued guidance & protection over everything & everyone in my family. I know when I was crying & he was holding me, I did see blue. I am told that "blue" represents either heaven or peace. I believe it was God filling me up with his peace. God is so good. He is always there whenever I need Him. I continue to stand on His promise of healing. And I will continue to be a walking testimony for Him. I know that He is preparing us for the battle that lies ahead of us & I know that we will overcome anything because of Him!

Jesus shops at Wal-Mart

Okay, so....the other day I went to Wal-Mart & was walking down an aisle alongside a mom & her 2 boys. I stopped to look at something & as the family passed me, the little boy (about 2 or 3 years old) looked towards me & said "Jesus." I looked up & thought to myself, "did that boy just say Jesus or am I hearing things?" The mom repeated him, "Jesus?" and he answered back, "Jesus." Earlier that day, I was experiencing a lot of pain & had asked Jesus to please be with me & occupy my mind so that I don't think about the pain. Little did I know that He would actually go shopping with me at Wal-Mart. I am blessed! Praise God, He is so good to me!

Disappointed

So, yes I'm disappointed & shocked at "the results" from the PET scan. I say "the" because I do not accept it nor do I own it. It is not mine! A couple of days after my surgery, my mom was approached by her coworker & was asked if she & a friend could come to pray for me. So, on Saturday, July 4, I had my very first encounter with God.

As the music played while they prayed, I could feel His presence come upon me...like a down comforter, so warm, so soft, so "comforting." I immediately began to cry when I saw Him, thinking of all the things I have done in my life to disappoint Him. He took me in His arms, like a father does to a baby, & held me, cradled me, stroked my hair, & told me that everything was going to be okay. I stopped crying & saw that he was reaching into my armpit & pulling out this purple ribbon. The purple ribbon was the cancer & He was pulling it out from my body & throwing it up into the sky...the sky then became dark & soon the wind blew & blew it all away. I then saw a brightness that just cannot be explained & he was pouring that brightness into me. Filling me up & overflowing me with His love. I heard singing & looked up & saw that the angels were singing & dancing. They were the most beautiful beings I've ever seen & the songs were heavenly. Then almost like looking into a mirror, He stood in front of me & every breath I took, He took as well. I then looked down & I saw myself, He opened up my brain - which somehow looked like a bookshelf - & started rearranging things. At first I didn't understand what He was doing, but seconds later I heard Cathy ask Him to please help me to understand Him more so that I can continue to do His will & to change my frame of mind to be more like His own. Ahhh, so now I understood! Then, Cathy asked me if Jesus wanted me to go back home & I said yes & as I said that I could feel Him placing me back down gently, like a baby being put down for a nap. I awoke with a smile on my face & a testimony to share. Jesus has promised to heal me from this cancer. He has told me that He has a lot of work for me to do. And that this is only the beginning...that there is much more in store for me. I believe that I am healed, miracles do happen to those who believe, & with Jesus on my side, nothing is impossible. I hope that this entry has touched your heart & that God blesses you as well.

Pre-Results

It's early in the morning & I am supposed to be getting ready for my physical therapy appointment, but of course I wanted to blog a little before I head out the door. I am totally not looking forward to physical therapy because I still feel stiff & I'm afraid that the therapist will look at me as if I didn't try to do my exercises at home. To be completely honest, I think that if she expects me to have a better range of motion in a month, than I think I should be seeing her daily. Now, I know that's not about to happen because the lady only works 3 times a week! So, I don't know...go figure...at least we'll find out today from the PET scan exactly why my range of motion sucks so bad.

PET scan results...hmmm...okay, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't anxious or nervous. I just wanna know already though, you know, so that I can continue to move forward...Well, looks like my time is up & now I really have to go to get ready for PT. I'll blog again once I find out my results. Thinking positive & hoping for the best!

My Mastectomy

So, what is it like to lose a boob? Well, you know at the beginning of my journey I was so intent in preserving the breast that I did everything except for surgery. But, now when I look back, I think my life & my health is way more important than my boob. They've said that they can reconstruct it later, but I've been thru too many surgeries that right now, it's just not a priority for me anymore. I can truly say that I don't really care what people think if they see that I only have 1 boob. It's funny though because when I had my mastectomy, they had also performed a lift on the other side...so, I got one really pretty, perky boob & one flat, deflated piece of skin. Anyway, having a mastectomy is not that bad except for the pain from the drainage. I do not know how women can electively choose to have a boob job. For me, I don't want to go thru this type of pain ever again.

Radiation Sucks!

During my little break from chemo, the doctor forgot that I still needed to "resect" my breast because of the positive margins & instead he sent me to get radiation therapy. Radiation therapy was easy. You go in, change into a hospital gown, lay on a table, wait for the machine to beep & move around you & then you're done. No pain, no short term side effects...easy as pie! Then you go home, apply aloe on your skin at least 3 times a day to prevent any burns. This happens everyday for about 6 weeks. What you find out later that no one really tells you is that the radiation beam is slowly damaging all your tissue & creating really tough scar tissue. And if you're not careful, the scar tissue is so bad that you lose your range of motion or even worse, if you had your lymph nodes removed, you also develop lymphedema if you haven't developed it already. If the radiation doctor only told me to remember to keep exercising my arm consistently then I don't think I would be in the condition I am in right now. Don't take for granted the simple act of being able to stretch your arm above your head. I would give anything to do it right now...

Things I wish I knew beforehand...

Okay, so there's a couple of things I have learned about cancer & chemo & radiation that I feel everyone should know before they experience it. I know that if I knew what I know now, some of the decisions I made would definitely be different.

1. Choose your doctor carefully. Treat the first appointment like an interview. Remember that the doctor is supposed to partner with you on everything. You are paying him/her to help you with your health. If you don't feel comfortable or you feel that you or not a top priority, then you need to keep looking. Ask both your primary care practitioner as well as your ob/gyn for any suggestions.

2. Keep good records of all your doctor's appointments & try to bring someone with you if possible so that they can help you record anything that the doctor says. Also keep good records of any medications that you are currently taking - they will ask this each & every time you visit your doctor. I've started to use a At-A-Glance QuickNotes Datebook to record anything & everything. It helps keep me & my appointments organized.

3. If you feel you need physician assistance at any time, do not hesitate to call your doctor. They are always reachable. Doctors carry around cell phones & pagers for a reason.

4. While at the doctor's office, do not feel like you are limited to a certain amount of time. The doctor should take the time to answer any questions that you may have. If you are feeling rushed, then you need to look for another doctor.

5. Although radiation may seem easier than chemo, it's actually tougher on your skin & sometimes creates so much scar tissue that you lose your range of motion. Also, the side effects of radiation are sometimes delayed. You may not feel a tightness from the scar tissue radiation creates until after some time has elapsed (sometimes as long as 3 months after treatment). So during radiation, continue to do exercises that help with your range of motion. I currently do not have my full range of motion in my left arm & I'm seeing a physical therapist at least twice a week. It's so painful stretching out the bundled up nerves & skin that I usually take a couple of Motrin to get me thru the session. Also, try to do your exercises at home no matter how difficult or painful they are.

6. I continued to work while I went thru treatment. But, at times, I did push myself to my limit. Don't be like me...take a break when necessary & take a day off when you need it. It'll help your body to heal faster if you're able to rest.

7. Don't ever second guess your gut feeling...you know your body best. If you feel like somethings not right, check it out asap.

8. Eat healthy & don't skip meals, even if you don't have the time. Always carry around something small in your purse - like a granola bar. You can't heal your body if it's not fueled properly. If you can't eat or taste because of the chemo, I suggest Ensure, the chocolate flavor...it's like a chocolate milkshake, but better for you.

9. Learn that you can't do this all on your own & it's okay to ask for help. This doesn't make you look weak, but smart. Remember, you are not a superhero!

10. Keep thinking positive & smile a lot even when you don't feel like smiling. It's funny, I didn't realize how grouchy I've been until I really asked the people around me. I thought I was being positive, but they saw it otherwise. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to have a bad day or two, but don't ever let that get in the way of what really makes you feel positive. Remember, what you put out into the universe will come back to you twofold, so be careful (The Secret).

The Beginning...

So here I go....the beginning of the chronicles that I call my life. Funny, I always wondered how people "blog" and never really thought that it was a free thing to do. Boy, was I ever wrong. Okay, so I know that most of you are wondering what the heck is a poop on a poopstick? Well, thanks to my good friend Lisa, it's a way of swearing without using any obscenities or offending anyone. Let me tell you, this phrase has been used quite a bit this past year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My name is Sharla. I am 36 years old, a mother of a 3 year old, a loving wife of 6 years, & a cancer fighter. Last year, the day after Mother's Day, I was diagnosed with breast cancer - stage 3c to be exact. I was devastated when I received the news! I didn't understand how I could possibly have cancer when there was no history of it in my family. I was angry! What did I do to deserve this? I am too young! Just when it seemed like everything in my life was falling into place, it took a wrong turn.

I was tested for the BRCA gene which came back negative, had surgery in June 08 to remove my lump & lymph nodes (33 of them were removed, 17 were infected) & later found out in Aug 08 that I still had positive margins. I had 2 options - a mastectomy or start treatment asap. At the time, I was so concerned about saving the breast, so I opted to start treatment. I was also worried that if we waited any longer, the cancer would spread. So, we began chemo treatment on September 26, 2008. Chemo was every other Friday for a total of 4 months, 8 cycles & was supposed to end January 2, 2009. Well, chemo actually ended on April 10, 2009 because life doesn't always go as you plan it...about a week after the 4th chemo treatment, I came down with a fever & was told to take myself to the emergency room. The doctors at the ER didn't know what was wrong with me & thought that I had caught some kind of virus & put me on antibiotics. A couple of days later, my mom noticed that I looked a bit yellow & we later found out that due to my weakened immune system, I had a hepatitis B flare up. The chemo treatments were postponed until I fully recovered. So, I took a chemo break from November 21 - February 27. Looking back on things now, I kind of wish I didn't wait so long to restart chemo.

So, fast forward to today...where am I at now? I just recently had a mastectomy (June 29th to be exact) & was supposed to have a reconstruction done at the same time using my lattisimus muscle, but like I've said before, "life doesn't always go as you plan it," & instead the surgeons found a new tumor - this time in my armpit. They didn't remove it yet because they don't exactly know what they are dealing with & as I am told, there are "critical structures" in the armpit & if they remove too much I could lose the use of my arm. I just recently had a PET scan, results are on Monday & I have an MRI scheduled for the 22nd. The pathology results from the breast they removed came back showing that the breast still had some residual tumor in it. Which means to me that the chemo drugs didn't work & that we're dealing with a very aggressive kind of cancer. It's time to switch doctors!