Doctor's appointments - Boy am I sick of them!!!

Okay, so since Tuesday, I've been to a doctor's office at least once a day...& that's not it...I get to see my oncologist tomorrow, then the eye doctor & physical therapist on Tuesday, then the liver doctor & physical therapist on Wednesday.  Thursday & Friday are free for now, but we'll see if the docs decide that I need to see them again.

The new physical therapist is wonderful!  I've only seen her twice & already I'm noticing a difference in my arm.  She's also very informative as well & I've learned quite a bit in the last two visits.  I'm hoping to have a better range of motion before we go to Texas so that I won't seem so "handicapped."

My echo cardiogram came back with good news...my heart is in good shape!  Yay!  Thank You God!  But, it seems like the tumor in my armpit is pressing up against a vein in my arm & that is what is causing all this swelling.  So, we're being careful because we don't know if there is a blood clot involved, so when I exercise that arm, I have to do it lightly & not aggressively.  I find out tomorrow if they are going to put me on a low dose of coumadine - it's a blood thinner that will prevent my blood from clotting so that we don't have to worry about any blood clots forming in the arm.  It sucks!  I remember that my grandma was on that same medication.  Um hello?  When did I become my grandma?!!?  Okay, Grandma & Grandpa Cortez listen up... if you have any say or control on what happens to me down here on Earth, then I suggest you speak up & help me out here.  No more pressing on the vein, no more tumor in the armpit, full circulation returned to my arm, full range of motion returned to my arm, no more pain at all, no more cancer cells in my body!  And tell God that although I love being thin, this is not how I imagined it at all.  I pray that I am healthy thin, not sickly thin.  I guess you really have to be careful what you ask for in prayer & be very specific as well.

Anyway, I'll blog again sometime tomorrow with the results from my doctor's visits.  By the way, the Texas thing is coming along slowly.  I did speak with someone from the hospital, all my records are being faxed & copied, & all my scans are being put on a disc.  Hope it all falls into place soon, but only God knows the outcome of it.  I place it into Your hands Father & I stand upon Your word of healing.

Update!!!

Yesterday was the worst yet!  I spent almost an entire work day at the doctor's office - 9:30 to 4pm because I had been complaining of shortness of breath as well as not being able to eat anything.  I have no appetite, but I will eat if something is put in front of me.  For some reason, I had been having the feeling of fullness & was burping a lot.  They scheduled me for a CT scan to see if I had a blood clot in my lungs.  In order to do so, the tech needs to put an IV in so that they can put a contrast in your blood.  Little did I know that it would literally take them 3 times before I called it quits.  Not only was it painful, but they couldn't find the vein & when they found one, it wouldn't flush.  So, they sent me over to nuclear medicine for another type of scan.  It required an IV, but not as large & they were going to use my vein on my hand (which is the vein that everyone uses).  This time it took them 2 times to get the IV in & the first one hurt like a mother.  In fact it hurt so much, I think I heard him say that he "blew" the vein.  That's just great! Now, imagine, I had been at the doctor's office since 9:30 in the morning with only a granola bar in my stomach.  They are lucky that I wasn't starving, but I bet that's one of the reasons why my veins sucked that day.  I was dehydrated!  Hello!  Can anyone get me a drink? Anyway, the result from the test was negative - no blood clot!

So, I'm back at the hospital again today to do 2 things - a ultrasound on my arm & an echocardiogram.  They gave me some kind of results from the ultrasound, but I want to hear it from the doctor.  I think the tumor is pressing up on a vein.  I don't know what they do when that happens, but I'm sure I'll find out when I go to my follow up appointment.  I will publish the results then.

I just want to end with this.... Thank you God for my family!  Do you know that my grandma & grandpa live in town & they drove to Wahiawa to get me, take me to Queen's, & then take me back home.... and they will be back at 8:45 in the morning to do it all over again?!?  That's love. Thank you God for my family.  Don't worry, the rest of my family does amazing things for me as well.... it'll take too long to list them all.

A list of things that I am thankful for...

So, the other day I was at church listening to the pastor talk about "grace."  "Grace" is unmerited favor or something that you don't earn.  It is thru God's grace that we are forgiven, it is thru God's grace that we receive blessings.  I have learned that when you pray, you shouldn't pray about the things that are missing from your life, but rather, you should be thanking the Lord for what you have already received.  It is only thru being thankful in receiving that we can truly be given what we ask for in prayer.  So today of all days, I am going to list all the things I am thankful for to remind me how great & blessed my life really is.  And it's for you readers as well to remind me when I call you in despair.

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

my relationship with God

my healing

my life

my husband

my daughter

my health

my parents

my stepparents

my brothers & sisters

my aunties & uncles

my cousins

my inlaws

my car

my home

my bed

the furniture in my house

my friends

money

food, especially desserts :)

lavender body wash

hot bath water

big tubs

bubble baths

the feel of new carpet between your toes

the beach

the sun, the sand

shave ice

manis & pedis

my breath

sleep

pain meds

coffee & bagels w/cream cheese

hot, fresh malasadas

air conditioners

shopping

my cell phone

the internet

computers

reality tv

my doctors

hair

sunday services

gospel music

ipods

Thanks to all you PACSUNers out there!

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I will truly miss working at PacSun.  I can honestly say that I have come a long way & I'm very proud of those that I have brought up along with me.  Good luck to all of you who remain on the team, I'm just sorry that I didn't get the chance to get to know all of you.  Thank you for all the support, all the talks, all the times when I needed to vent.  I will miss the meetings by the pool, the conference calls, the ops team conversations, picking up the outer island managers from the airport, the music, the dancing on top of the ladder, the team....I won't miss the floorsets, working on Black Friday, endless shipment, inventory.  Again, please feel free to keep in touch with me.  My email is hawngrl@hotmail.com.  Remember, work will always be there....make sure you make time to take care of yourself & spend it with the ones you love.

Zometa Sucks & other Updates...

So, my first round of Zometa really sucked!  The IV went in fine & surprisingly it didn't take that long for the meds to go into me, but it was the side effects that I was totally unprepared for.  The next day I couldn't even get out of bed.  I was dizzy, my entire body ached (as if someone meat tenderized me), & I was extremely tired.  I remember drifting in & out of consciousness.  I felt like a zombie!  I couldn't really eat, I didn't really have an appetite, & food didn't taste as good. Side effects were very similar to receiving chemo, except I think they were worse.  The good thing that came out of all of this is that I managed to get a lot of sleep.  Last night I went to bed at about 9:30pm & didn't get up to take a pain pill until almost 6 in the morning.  Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!

The doc put me on new pain meds, a patch, which I ended up removing after the first night because I couldn't breathe.  I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I was hyperventilating, my heart was racing, & while taking a shower, I literally felt like I was drowning when I put my head under the water.  The next thing I know is I'm watching tv & a commercial comes on that says "if you know of someone who has died using the pain patch Fentanyl, they may be eligible to receive money from a lawsuit concerning the patch."  Okay, now that's alarming!  It's a good thing I called my doc when I did & it's also a good thing that she told me to remove it.   When there's a lawsuit going on that involves a specific medication, I think that all pharmacies should remove it & make it unavailable to the public until the lawsuit is resolved.  It's just wrong that I had to spend money to get meds that I can't even use!

Texas is where I think we're going...at least that's where the doc said we will be best served.  The center is called MD Anderson & according to their website, they are doing a lot of clinical trials on Triple Negative Cancer & getting positive results.  I'm not exactly thrilled about traveling that far away from home.  But I think we've made a decision to take Kanoe with us & let Deo remain on the home front to continue to work, make sure we have medical insurance, & pay the bills.  It's a lot to think about.  But I don't want Deo to lose his mind being a "single" father, especially because both my mom & I will not be around to help him.  Oh, & can I just talk about insecurities...I know I'll have them, but hopefully treatment will fly by & I'll be able to return to my husband quickly.  Just to let you know, sex is not an issue, meaning that we just don't have it anymore.  I know he loves me.  I know he's not getting it from anyone else.  I know that he's scared to touch me.  But sometimes, I wish he would just get over it & be intimate.  I just don't know how to make him see it my way.  Oh God, I really do need help! 

I'm fed up! Help me Lord!

I know that we all have our own ways of dealing with the obvious (me having cancer), but somehow, I don't believe that everyone sees it in the same light that I do.  I know that they will never understand it because they're not in the same situation as me, but I just wish some people really considered other people's feelings for a change.  

Okay, just to forewarn you, I am about to sound really selfish.  My husband is such a sweetheart, but at times I think he chooses to do things because he's afraid of what his friends might think.  I know, it sounds really high school, but it's the truth. I want him to spend time with me, find things that we enjoy doing together.  I know that it is also my job to find commonalities, but whenever I make suggestions, it doesn't sound much like he's interested.   And sometimes I find myself alone at home.  It's hard, I know he's dealing with a lot & I don't want to make nothing into an issue...but I guess I'm just scared that if I don't spend enough time with him, then I never will.  I guess you could say that I am preparing for the worst (I can hear all of you now wincing at my negativism).  It's there & no matter how hard I try to make it go away, it is a part of me, not a big part, but it does peak its ugly head out every so often.  

And can I just complain about his friends....they know nothing!  They cannot even fathom the severity of our situation!  And most times when they invite him out to do something, do they even think to think about me?  Do they even think that coming home at 10pm or midnight is an appropriate time to come home when you have a wife who is ill & a 3 year old very rambunctious little girl who can, at times, drive her mother absolutely crazy?  All they can do is take him "away" from the situation, but what happens when he comes home & is faced with the reality?  Don't get me wrong, I believe in "getting away," but that doesn't mean that it will get better.  I would rather his friends help him find ways to deal with the problems & help him find solutions.  Instead, they sugarcoat it with lots of neosporin & put a really pretty band aid on it & then leave it to me to rip it off.

I know, I sound bitter & I definitely don't sound like myself.  But this is what I've been feeling lately & I don't want to hide from my feelings anymore.  I want to face them head on so that I can beat them out of the way & move on to the next opportunity.  Don't get me wrong - I love my husband dearly & he has done a lot for me, more than I can have ever imagined.  So, I guess I should make a list of things my husband does for me without question & focus on the positives rather than the negatives because that will get me nowhere.  Thank you all for listening.  And just to let you know, as I'm writing my next blog entry, I am feeling bad about what I just wrote.  Forgive me for being selfish & jealous.  Please God make me more like You!

There's a new "kid" in town...

We finally saw the new oncologist today!  It's been so long that I've seen a doctor, that I feel like I'm in "cancer limbo."  Let me tell you, "limbo" is not a fun place to be especially when it's something as life threatening as cancer.  Thank goodness that break is over & we are moving full steam ahead!  

Anyway, during my first visit the doc reviewed the PET scan, the CT scan, my options, & my pain.  We got a lot of our questions answered & it looks like tomorrow I start my first dose of Zometa.  Zometa will help with the metastasis to the bone. It's given to me by IV & I think it takes about 1 hour for all the meds to filter thru.  Side effects include flu like body aches, possible fever, dizziness, & drowsiness.  And it's given every 4 weeks.  Thank God it's not like chemo - I don't know if my veins could handle a poke every other week.  I'm also scheduled for a echocardiogram to check my heart & an appointment to see my liver doc to make sure that my liver is functioning properly - we want to make sure that I don't have another flare up with hepatitis b.

It does look like I will be traveling to the mainland to seek out new treatment, possibly clinical trials that are not offered in Hawaii.  It's going to suck being away from the ones that I love, especially my husband & daughter, but at least I know that when I come back, I'm coming back as a survivor.  I tried to explain this to my daughter & all I got was a sad face.  I know she understands me, but I also know that she doesn't understand the "depth" of my sickness.  I only want the best for her & I wish I could protect her from all of this.  I mean when she's older, I don't want her to look back & remember doctor appointments, chemo treatments, mommy feeling sick from the chemo, etc.  I want her memories to be of starting school, making new friends, learning the alphabet, counting to 20, etc.  Anyway, I am still unsure about this decision - do I take her with me or do I leave her here?  Anyone out there got any suggestions? I'm open to listening.

Oh, & before I forget...all of this took place on my husband's birthday.  Happy Birthday honey - I'm sorry you had to spend it in a doctor's office.  Ain't he the best?!