I'm fed up! Help me Lord!

I know that we all have our own ways of dealing with the obvious (me having cancer), but somehow, I don't believe that everyone sees it in the same light that I do.  I know that they will never understand it because they're not in the same situation as me, but I just wish some people really considered other people's feelings for a change.  

Okay, just to forewarn you, I am about to sound really selfish.  My husband is such a sweetheart, but at times I think he chooses to do things because he's afraid of what his friends might think.  I know, it sounds really high school, but it's the truth. I want him to spend time with me, find things that we enjoy doing together.  I know that it is also my job to find commonalities, but whenever I make suggestions, it doesn't sound much like he's interested.   And sometimes I find myself alone at home.  It's hard, I know he's dealing with a lot & I don't want to make nothing into an issue...but I guess I'm just scared that if I don't spend enough time with him, then I never will.  I guess you could say that I am preparing for the worst (I can hear all of you now wincing at my negativism).  It's there & no matter how hard I try to make it go away, it is a part of me, not a big part, but it does peak its ugly head out every so often.  

And can I just complain about his friends....they know nothing!  They cannot even fathom the severity of our situation!  And most times when they invite him out to do something, do they even think to think about me?  Do they even think that coming home at 10pm or midnight is an appropriate time to come home when you have a wife who is ill & a 3 year old very rambunctious little girl who can, at times, drive her mother absolutely crazy?  All they can do is take him "away" from the situation, but what happens when he comes home & is faced with the reality?  Don't get me wrong, I believe in "getting away," but that doesn't mean that it will get better.  I would rather his friends help him find ways to deal with the problems & help him find solutions.  Instead, they sugarcoat it with lots of neosporin & put a really pretty band aid on it & then leave it to me to rip it off.

I know, I sound bitter & I definitely don't sound like myself.  But this is what I've been feeling lately & I don't want to hide from my feelings anymore.  I want to face them head on so that I can beat them out of the way & move on to the next opportunity.  Don't get me wrong - I love my husband dearly & he has done a lot for me, more than I can have ever imagined.  So, I guess I should make a list of things my husband does for me without question & focus on the positives rather than the negatives because that will get me nowhere.  Thank you all for listening.  And just to let you know, as I'm writing my next blog entry, I am feeling bad about what I just wrote.  Forgive me for being selfish & jealous.  Please God make me more like You!